Conflict Management Blog by Cinnie Noble
Many of us revisit conflicts and other interactions in our heads – and sometimes many times – wishing we had the opportunity to do it again. Things we said and how we said them often haunt us. Try as we might to learn from these incidents, we might still repeat the same sort of behaviour again, with the same or another person. Indeed, it seems, at times, that our learning is short-lived, but the self-blame lingers on.
When you think about it, once conflicts are over it is difficult to revisit them – to explore and sustain the learning. We are relieved they have ended and just want to move on. However, we are likely destined to repeat things we do not learn from or make the changes that will stand us in better stead for the next conflict.
This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the learning from a specific interpersonal conflict when answering the following questions:
- What was the conflict about?
- What did you do that you would like to redo?
- What bothers you most about what you did?
- What would you have preferred to say or do instead?
- What might have been different if you had done or said that in that incident?
- What do you think precluded you from doing so?
- What is significant about your preferred response that you can remember for the next time you are in conflict?
- What would it take for you to remember and use that response (your answer to the above question)?
- What else are you considering as you ponder this different approach?
- So, if you were to set intentions of how you want to “be” in conflict on an ongoing basis, what would they be?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have?
Cinnie Noble is a certified coach (PCC) and mediator and a former lawyer specializing in conflict management coaching. She is the author of two coaching books: Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY™ Model and Conflict Mastery: Questions to Guide You.